Dear courneyyy,

The last time I heard a co-worker say "eye-talin" was somewhere around the time when I heard a president say "nukquler", a candidate say "ider" and a co-worker say "bid-ness" as in "What is your line of work?"

Sharp Sally

Dear Sally,

Yes, you've got it. Here's the situation: I was at a cafe for homeless people, where individuals can work for 30 minutes to earn a meal. Not that things are going that badly for Cortnee. Yet. I was actually paying for my meal, and dining with other employed people, one of whom has a charming english accent. (Not a lot else charming about him, though, unfortunately, unless you find the fact of him weeping about the Henry the 8th movie sweet. I find it the tiniest bit freaky.) Not one, but two of the other men at our table of 4 (me, 1 englishman, two American men) ordered "Eye Talian" dressing on their salad. Courtnee ordered i-talian dressing. The second man made a HILARIOUS joke that caused me to want to crawl under the table: "We've got three Eye-talians and an Englishman here!"

Sheesh. Frying pan, Fire?

Dear Readers,
What would you do if your young and lovely daughter has declared that she will not wear shoes until there is a different president? The vice principal asked her twice to please put on shoes and she politely refused. He later became somewhat threatening, and she reluctantly donned paper shoes. Bear in mind that this young lady lives in a chilly, wet, northern climate.

Would you be proud, confused, or annoyed?

What if this same child spray-painted slogans like "Who Would Jesus Bomb", and "Where's the Love", and "Too Many Bushes, Not Enough Trees" all over the elementary school grounds? What then?

This just in from Molly. Who knew she was reading?

Dear Cortknee,

Stop thinking about suicide or moving abroad. Want to feel better? Eat a sour grape and then do something immediately, now, today.

Figure out what you can do to help rescue the country -- join something, send a little money to some group, call somewhere and offer to volunteer, find a politician you like at the local level and start helping him or her move up.

Don't mourn -- organize. Want to feel better? Eat a sour grape, then do something immediately, now, today. Figure out what you can do to help rescue the country — join something, send a little money to some group, call somewhere and offer to volunteer, find a politician you like at the local level and start helping him or her to move up. . . . Don't mourn, organize.
-- Molly Ivins

Dear Molly,
I'm not eating the sour grapes, but the rest sounds good. Persimmons. That's what I'm eating, and I've been thirsty since last week. I'm glad we read each other's columns.
Your Fan,
Chjort3nee