Friday, May 28, 2004

Here's something I bet you didn't know. I can look at the site meter statistics to determine the referring URL when random people visit this site. Today, someone had googled "Cybil [sic] Shepard hair styles" and landed at N'3lvra. A person from the Australian time zone, no less. I truly don't recall writing about that, but maybe you do?

I was unable to duplicate this using google. I hope they write. It sounds like a problem I am particularly qualified to help with.

This may become a new feature, "Freaky Hit of the Week".
Does it make you disgusted, or actually a little bit more compassionate when you hear about Nixon being too drunk to take a phone call from the P.M. of Britain when we were in the middle of a war? Courtney can't quite decide. It seems understandable that impeachment hearings would make you want a little nip of something.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Dear Courtney,
Because I am not very religious and believe in evolution, I also believe that environment effects the kind of person you become. It's not all planned out for you before you are created. Sure, I would love it if I were destined for a tall handsome stranger, but who knows. Because, isn't love based on your beliefs, what two people have in common, the chemistry they have together etc...? I mean, what if God, or whomever decides these things, destined me to marry a right-wing, chauvinistic pig from Texas? I would absolutely die in a household with a man like that, (no offence to anyone who is right-winged, or from Texas). So basically, I believe that our soul mate is whomever we make it, not somebody pre-destined for us.

As for the question about how many people are actually married to their soul mates, I would say not very many people. Couldn't your best friend be your soul-mate? Frankly, I'm just not inclined to marry Marisa anytime soon, although she very possibly could be my soul-mate. Then again, if the person you are married to is your best friend of all, and you are completely happy in the marriage, you're probably married to your soul mate. Unless you haven't been married for a very long time, because some people could probably get tricked into thinking somebody is their soul mate when that person really isn't. It takes a long time before you know somebody completely. Or maybe some people don't have soul mates at all. But it is late, and I am babbling on and on... questions like this can really make you think!
Sorry for making you read all this blabber,

~Confused by the theory of soul-mates and how many people are married to their own (soul-mate)

Dear Confused,

I'm so glad you wrote. Here are some new questions Cortn3ee has, now that she's read your letter:
1. Could you train someone to be your soul mate? I'm thinking a soulmate obedience school type thing.
2. Does everyone think Marisa is their soulmate, or just us?

Yours,
Kortnee

P.S. I am sorry I didn't have a chance to see you in your finery the other night. Send me a picture, please.


Monday, May 24, 2004

_________________________________________________________________________________________
Hi Courtney!
After catching up on your column (I have been away from my computer for awhile) I am pleased to see it really looking like a professional advice column! Wow!

First of all, I am also glad to see a new color - the gray pretty much brought my emotions down, down, down. Bright perky colors are much more inspiring to those who might be thinking about writing.

Also, it's nice to see some real problems and see what you have to say about them. It's kind of fun (in a creepy sort of way) to get into your head. Oh, and a lovely one it is.

Thanks for keeping your readership entertained and helping their heads on straight.

Love,
An Enthusiatic Reader

PS - Have you been asked out for Thai lately?

Dear Enthusiastic,

Have you read anything by JT Leroy? I wouldn't really recommend him, because it is pretty low-rent, although he is described as writing like "Flannery O'Conner tied to the bed and plied with angel dust", and I have to agree with that.

Love,
Courtney


Dear Ccccrkt,

You weave a fine tale of Asian weed whackers. Tonight I spoke with a couple at an outdoor restaurant who had a bipolar dog. They were really serious. It was a chiuahua Jack Terrier mix. (Perhaps in your response you could include a link to a trendy mental health for mutts site).

Also, before we sat down, I was approached by a woman with a microphone and camera. Thinking she was going to ask me important questions about my very important opinions, I walked right up. I was very surprised to be asked what I thought about soul mates and how many people were married to their soul mate. what do you think Court?

from,

person with full stomach

Dear Person with Full Stomach,

Sheesh, this is an advice column, not a veterinary hospital. But I do know this: the dogs are often resistant to taking the meds because the highs are so high.

Of the millions of people I know, there is only one who believes she is married to her soul-mate. But I'd like to pose the question to my readers: soulmate? Yes or no?
Please write and I'll tally the responses.

Courtnee

P.S. I'm glad they were asking for your very important opinion, because I know you love that. But what did you say?

Friday, May 21, 2004

Dear korney,

I would follow you into any shower. I don't even need a bunch of women leading me on. How about Italian?

Sincerely,
Sid from Seattle

Dear "Sid", or whatever your name is:

This anonymous e-mail thing is completely backfiring.

Kortney
Here's the thing. You never hear octopus women saying, "I tend to choose men with a lot of arms. . . "

Okay, so you never hear octopus women saying much of anything at all, but you see my point.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Dear sdofuer,

My dear friend Darcy, you know the frosty one in the shower, did not really describe the true nature of the shower scene. You see, the rest of us women took it upon ourselves to hunt for and secure a fine specimen of male (although as we are beginning to realize through your wise counsel they all have some defroster vent characteristics)for her to enjoy. We, of course, given our gifts in man-hunting, were successful and on the sly we sent him into the shower without her knowledge. In other words, he wasn't a stalker. He has been on the phone with her daily since. Don't know if this will change your answer-

We love you, Couaeroiuqaewr89,

a member of the women's club

Dear Fan,

The story just gets stranger. Kortney has never had her friends send a handsome fellow into the shower for a first meeting. Although she wouldn't necessarily be averse to that, depending. . .
Dear kort3nee,
I know this is hard to believe, but a few months ago, while on a womens' retreat, a fine upstanding gentlemen DID walk into my bathroom while I was taking a shower. So you see, it is possible. Anyway....apparently shower doors, as proven in photographs, are very see through! (I have never been quite so grateful for a frosted glass shower door, remember how they always fogged up and softened shots of Cybil Shephard in Moonlighting?). Turns out, he is the man of my dreams. He loves me and thinks I am beautiful (there's the benefit of the frosted glass!). We have been talking since then but have not met again in person. He really wants to meet and go out. I am wondering, do you think it would be appropriate to issue him a pair of frosted eye glasses (or beer goggles) and insist he wear them on our get togethers? Or, should he get the real deal right up front? You see, chjti38, I am 40ish, have delivered and nursed 4 children and.....well, you get the picture. Turns out shower guy is in his 30's and his last girlfriend is a Heather Locklear look alike. He has placed me on a frosted glass pedestal and it is a very long fall! Please help!

Frostily yours,
Darcy

Dear Darcy,
One freaky thing about G-Mail that I feel compelled to report is that I get tailored advertisements, based on the content of e-mails received. Your e-mail contained links to various shower door suppliers, all of which were completely transparent, and none of which showed any lovely women behind the glass. But anyways, I'm a bit confused. Did your entire communication go on while you were in the shower? Like, he's only seen you from behind frosted glass?

And, would my other readers care to comment -- does he seem, well, the tiniest bit stalkerish? Not to put too fine a point on it, but this guy came into the women's bathroom while you were taking a shower and hit on you? Umm, well, how lovely for you, I suppose, being 40 something and having nursed all of those babes. I don't know where you're from, but here we have a website for looking up sexual predators. You may want to check on this. Is it by his own report that he dated a Heather whats-her-name look-alike? (How did I know that? Kortnee is Psychic. I said psychic, not psychotic.)

Anyway, back to your problem. Why don't you just have him meet you in the shower? But if he won't go for that (who wouldn't?), I think those glasses are a good idea. Get an extra pair for Courtney too, in case she ever comes upon this type of thing. Emergency preparedness, we're all about that here.

Yours,
Courtney

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Dear CourtKnee,

I am recently separated. When I look back at the men I have chosen to involve myself with, I find they are all...shall I say, defroster vent material. While still a little gun-shy of a relationship, I am interested in seeing what is out there. Don't want to do the bar scene, and how many women's retreats can one take in a year. I mean really...it's not like I would go on a retreat and be taking a shower or something and have the man of my dreams come walking in on me. I mean stuff like that just doesn't happen.

I am looking for a part-time summer job. I am wondering...where would Courtknee apply if she found herself in this situation?

Sincerely,
Not really looking but curious in Ohio

Dear Curious,
First, Courtney is so fucking tired of women apologizing for dating losers. For one freakin' minute can we acknowledge that women who like men date emotionally tiny people? Sheesh.

But on to your question, which is a very good one. So good, in fact, that I was stumped. All day yesterday, I was like, "think Courtney, think." Nothing came to me for the longest time. But finally: I would recommend that you apply to a hair cutting salon, one of the cheapskate ones like where Kortneee gets her hair cut. I know you're thinking, "huh? That sounds sucky, I'd have to work with bimbo girls, and I don't know how to cut hair, and I'd have to touch all of those random people." But stick with me a minute.

1. You'd get to have a bunch of little conversations a day, some, undoubtedly, with handsome men. If you get to know and hate them, there you are, standing over them with the sharp scissors. . .

2. You'd have a professional reason to touch them, which doesn't happen in the advice column business.

3. You could give Really Bad Haircuts (like Courtney wears) to people you didn't like. And then say, in a gushy voice, "That is SOOO CUTE!!!" (That's what they tell Courtney. But yesterday, finally, I had a hair cutting woman say, "so, are you going for Girl Interrupted as a look, or did you actually just get out of a mental hospital?" You can see why I gave her such a huge tip.)

4. About those people who you'd rather not touch? Whiskey and gloves.

I hope this helps.

Courtnee

P.S. Write back and tell me how it goes.

P.P.S. Courtney went away with a bunch of women last weekend, and you're right, stuff like that never happens.


Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Very Odd Doings

The strangest thing happened today. I was driving, forever, or at least more than 100 miles to visit a site for work. The road I was on parallels a gorgeous river; radio reception was crappy, and the air was clean the way it gets when it just poured but it stopped. Everything was green and crisp and I could actually see through the air in a way that makes me feel surprisingly hopeful, and I really look at things that I wouldn’t normally notice. It gave me that road trip feeling, so I pulled over and bought a very large bag of potato chips (Tims, salt & vinegar) and a Sprite. I was listening to a crackley Joe Jackson singing “Fools in Love,” which added to the feeling of a road-trip time warp.

So anyway, I began reflecting on my life, which is generally a huge mistake, and this was no exception. But I’m driving along, literally in the middle of nowhere, thinking about Stuff, when ahead of me in the road are these two Korean women in long silk robes, which look to me like some sort of religious garb, but I can’t quite place it. Not bright colors, just a sedate gray/black flecked thing, down to the mid-calf. These women are waving madly, flagging me down. Picture them standing in the middle of the highway doing the arm motions of jumping jacks. My first thought is, shit, a crisis, I am not for this. I imagine a car rolled over in a ditch with some monk unconscious, and me, the first person on the scene. I hardly remember CPR, my cell phone isn’t getting reception, I'm feeling a little panicky and depressed already. The extent of my emergency preparedness involves potato chip crumbs and some old trail mix in a brown paper sack. Maybe a stretcher could fit in the back of the truck if I moved all of the crap back there, but that’s it, and to be honest, I really don’t like to see traumatic injury which is why I review building permits. There is very rarely blood in my line of work.

I stop when I get near them, and one of the women approaches the window. In what I guess you would call “broken English”, she says, “Start please?”, and points to a weed whacker that’s lying on the grass next to the road. I was quick to shift from relief at not having to deal with a dead person to “huh?” because, well, it just seemed a bit unusual to have this emergency with the weed whacker. Like, the freakin grass being tall around the mailbox is an emergency? Jeez, they should see my whole life. I'm suddenly annoyed. I want to go home and stand in the road, waving madly, flagging people down. When I get someone to stop, I'll bring them inside, show them the mounds of laundry, dishes, dust, unpaid bills, half-completed projects. I would just point, pretending I didn't speak the language. By the way, I hate weed whackers, and everything about them, including how freakin hard they are to start. “I can’t start them either,” I hastily reply. The woman walks to her companion and says something to her in what I think is Korean, something like, “the only traffic we get all day is some lame-ass woman with potato chip breath who doesn’t know how to start weed whackers either.”

I drive on, and then I’m completely consumed with regret. The possibility of adventure literally falls in my lap, and I missed out. I’m thinking of going back tomorrow to see how they’re doing.
Dear Carney,
We can't get our brains around world-wide terrorism, but we can tease Courtney. In fact, Courtney teases Courtney all the time. And I have a poached egg and toast every morning.
Signed,
creature of habit

Dear Creature,

Do you have a little egg poacher, or do you just float the egg loose in the water? I am fascinated by the tendrils of white that escape, although that's probably not a good thing.

Cortnee

Monday, May 10, 2004

Dear courney,

It seems that mystery swirls around your life. Do you like Mexican?

A fan

Dear fan,

Okay, since everyone is so freakin' curious about N'3lvra's eating habits, here: I eat the same damn thing every day for breakfast. Day in, day out, the same effing thing. (Doesn't matter what it is.) This is odd, because Courtnee isn't too much into routines beyond that; she bores very easily. Speaking of which, why are we devoting so much space in the column to this topic?

How embarrassing and pitiful that we've invaded a whole other country and are publicly torturing, humiliating and terrorizing its citizens. BUT, god is definitely on our side, as evidenced by all of the God Bless America signs around town. Phew. Because our country is not for terrorists. No Way.
Dear Courtney,
I think someone likes you--(May 1st letter, "men's love lives") Too bad he's nervous and lacks confidence to just ask you out. Instead is mealy-mouthed about liking Thai food and dropping obvious hints and all. I don't think he's bold enough for Courtney.
Signed,
A friend

Dear Friend,
Ya think? I dunno. I thought the individual who wrote that particular anonymous letter was just curious about Kort-nee's eating habits. Would it seem, well, wrong, if someone trying to run an advice column didn't like Thai food?
Cortn--e

Monday, May 03, 2004

Dearest Courtney,
As your PR manager, I hope you enjoy the sketches I have completed and attached for your first memorabilia items. I am also writing in to ask a question this time.

I have two very good friends (we'll call them Jillian and Kelly) who don't get along well at all with my other very good friend (well call her Vanessa). The problem is, Jillian and Kelly don't know Vanessa very well, so to them she comes off a snobby, rude and condescending. Vanessa isn't really like this though, she's a caring, loving person who just wants to be accepted by people. She isn't very open and so that's why lots of people who, even if they have known her for a long time, don't know her very well.

Jillian and Kelly always are telling me how Vanessa is such a terrible person, and get slightly hurt when I don't agree. However the same goes for Vanessa, she has gotten her feelings hurt by Jillian, and although she has nothing against Kelly, she doesn't say nice things about Jillian very often. It hurts me to see two of my very best friends bickering so often like this, especially when they want badly for me to get involved. I just wish they would leave each other alone and stop bitching about it to me! I don't know what to do about it, because if I say anything they end up mad at me...Courtney, help!

~confused about Jillian, Kelly and Vanessa

Dear P.R. Manager

(Can I just call you Manager, or is that too familiar?) When is the reunion show, by the way? Do I get a big signing bonus? And, of course, the fan club can still meet in the cab of my pickup truck.

I love the sketches. I can't figure out how to show them here, though. If you had a website, I could put in a link to it.

But about your problem. Ummm. I guess you need to accept that these people will never get along. I'd recommend that every time one of them brings up some unpleasantness about the other, you bring up the kalakala. Example:

Kelly: Did you see how rude Vanessa was the other day?
PR Mgr.: Hey, how is the restoration of the Kalakala coming? [Interesting Note: That's Courtney in the picture, on her last date, 64 years ago.]
Kelly: I'm serious. Vanessa is such a jerk.
PR Mgr.: Now, do you like the Old 97's? Because I do.

And so on.

Saturday, May 01, 2004

Hey Certney,
Do you give advice for men's love lives too? There is a new woman in my life with whom I have fallen head over heels. I don't want to move too fast and scare her away, but I want her to know that I'm not afraid of a commitment. I'm really not like some of the men described in your column. I'm not married, gay or involved with anyone else. I also think that there may be someone she is waiting for, but want her to know that I'm here for her right now. Any suggestions?

a new reader

P.S. Do you like Thai food?

Dear New Reader,

Umm, unfortunately, Ckortnee doesn't have much direct experience with men's love lives. But it sounds like you're on the right track.

N'3lvra

P.S. Sure, Thai is always good.