Things That Should Be Well Behind Us Now

Ronald R.
Enough already with the half-mast. This has gone on way too long. Are people too lazy to pull the friggin flag to the top of the pole anymore?

An Idea that No One Else Seems to Get Behind

I think a Chore Potluck is a fine idea. People would bring a list of their Most Unpleasant Chores, put them in a hat, and trade. The only person I was able to enlist gave me some old film to develop, some of which I did, but then I think I might have lost some of it too. I don't think she did any of my chores.

If you're interested, here are a few of the things on my list:

Call the Maytag man about how dark it is in the brand new refrigerator. Shouldn't there be a light?

Plan and pack for Courtnee's little vacation. Which, like everything else, costs thousands of dollars and is harder to plan than a small war.

Call the effin' insurance people and figure out why I've gone from almost being cancelled to being covered and billed by three different insurance companies. This should be a fun one for someone kind of naturally angry who's up for a little fight.

Cook dinner. Right now. We're thinking linguini with clam sauce.

Make an appointment for a mammogram. Then while you're at it, go to the appointment. Kortnee is not fond of those vice grips.

Oh, there are lots more. Just pick anything and I'm sure it needs to be done.

One More Thing

I'm not for all this radio re-hashing of 9-11 and coverage of the hearings. I've been driving, hands over my ears, singing LA LA LA very loudly, because sheesh, it is just way too sad to consider that all over again. Some might suggest I just change the station but it's not so easy to do that while you're driving a big ass manual transmission truck with hands over your ears.

Even the first time around, when it was happening, I didn't really listen too hard, and I didn't watch a drop of tv. A couple of days after 9-11, my 7 year old son looked at the newspaper and asked me about a picture of rubble.

"What's that, mom?"

"That's where the World Trade Center used to be."

"Oh. Are people still stuck under there?"

"Yes, honey, but they're trying to get them out."

“Will they get them all out?”

“I don’t think so. But they’ll try their hardest”
Silence.

"Whoever did that must be really mad at us. We should invite them over to talk and ask why they’re so mad. Maybe there's something we did. Maybe we could stop doing it, and they wouldn't be so mad anymore. Then we could ask them to help us dig out the people and they'd know why we're so sad."

Courtney should have been an ostrich.

Dear Readers,
Courtney got this multiple choice quiz lately from a fan. Does anyone know the answers? I'm a bit stumped, but I tend to always pick B.

1. When faced with a situation where a man is evasive or won't make up his mind, one should:
a. repeat "zippidy doo da" 3 times quietly and move on to the next available male.
b. open the defroster vent a bit wider and give a gentle shove
c. order another round and remember what he's wearing to tell your friends
d. hysterically use an "I message" to state your feelings and make a request for the behavior to f'ing cease.

2. When an inlaw asks your pleasantly plump 45ish neighbor when she's expecting the little bundle of joy in front of you and the the neighbor looks like she may die from embarrassment, one should:
a. ask him about the results of his prostate exam
b. laugh and say, "oh grandpa, you know that joke just isn't funny anymore"
c. open the defroster vent a bit wider and give a gentle shove
d. tell your spouse to get the hell over here and handle the situation pronto.

3. When an available woman tells you that what she's looking for in a male is a bit of companionship every few weeks with no obligations, one should:
a. tell her that she seems pretty demanding and you're not up for that
b. hysterically use an "I message" to state your feelings and make a request for the behavior to f'ing cease
c. ask her if she has a sister
d. repeat "zippidy doo da" 3 times quietly and move on to the next available female

Does it seem weird that they keep flying Reagan's body around? Cortnee thinks it's kind of gross.

Things that Separate Coourtney from a Gerbil:
1. Opposable thumb
2. Shitloads of debt
3. Awareness of my mortality (sometimes)

Hmmm. Is the opposable thumb all it's cracked up to be?

One for the Gipper

Not really. But something odd. The other day I was driving through a small town who's main industry is the state penitentiary. I noticed a new sign, "Grand Opening, Tile Store". It's a cheesy sign, it looks homemade, would be better off advertising a garage sale, but still, I stop. Because I'm pretty curious about tile.

Some of you may not know this, but you can't just go out and buy tile. Here's an actual fact: if I gave my middle-school daughter $50, she could come home with all kinds of illegal drugs. But I, armed with cash, credit, advice column credentials and so on, couldn't buy tile. It's more carefully regulated than heroin. You might think tile is a euphemism for something else, but no, I'm talking about little 4 x 4 inch squares of ceramic stuff that you'd stick on the wall, or inside the shower.

Sheesh. So I go into this so-called store, and I realize I've been here before. Not exactly here, but places like it. Because it used to be a bar, the big dumpy kind that is common in college towns and on the Jersey shore. And, I guess, in penitentiary towns, which is sort of like college for some people, I suppose. (You spend 4 or more years there, then get out with no real plan.) Anyway, it's the kind of bar with maybe 2 lightbulbs and 6 pool tables. So anyway, by the smell of the place, I'm thinking it was a bar yesterday (smoke, beer, vomit). There are still only 2 dim bulbs for this rather large room. All of the pool tables are covered with cloth, upon which tile is laid out.

Now, for reasons I won't go into here, I'm looking for 40 amber glass tiles. (Sheesh, I almost put a link the particular tiles I want, but then thought, shit Courtney, get a hold of yourself, not a soul is interested in that.) I've been trying to buy these tiles for a while, but, as I said, I could more readily score cocaine. AND, cocaine would be way cheaper. Way. So this beefy looking guy (looks like he was the bouncer in the bar yesterday) says, "whatcha lookin for?"

"Um, tile? Do you have any Crossville tile?"

"Crossville? No, that's American. We only deal with imports."

I'm looking around at this seedy place in this seedy little town thinking huh? You're too fancy for American tile? But I say, "well, do you have any glass tile?"

"No, that would be American, glass tile. I just deal in imports because I can do stuff with imports that I just can't do with American tile."

Two thoughts here: Europe has no glass? Venice? Umm, can that be true? Then, ick. What, exactly, does he do with the tile that's what, illegal to do with American tile? Is it something he learned in prison?

Anyway, I still don't have the tile. I see my contractor everywhere, this is a small town after all, and every day he says, well, did you get the tile yet? I see him when I get coffee, or when I get a tattoo, or when I go to see the erotic fire dancers at the park. Everywhere. I have to pretend, um, the tile, yeah, that's coming. A bit later.

Dear Crtne,

When faced with a situation where a woman is evasive or won't make up her mind, one should:
a. calmly use an "I message" to state your feelings and make a request for the behavior to cease.
b. tell her that you're really not into any kind of committment anyway.
c. order another round and remember what she's wearing to tell your friends
d. ask her if she has a sister

Signed,
Count Sil

Dear Count,

What is she wearing? Because my answer hinges on that. If she's wearing a size 14 wedding dress, I'd recommend b for sure.

Dear 3,
I have a friend of a friend who is somewhat, kind of, in a way involved with a guy who is showing all the signs of being defroster vent material. He makes innuendos, says flirty things, leads her to believe she is the only one. As soon as she steps up to the plate, he turns and puts his scrawny little ass in gear acting as if she is crazy to think anything is going on.

My question is, oh wise one, what should she do?

Do you think all of these guys read a book or take a class on treating women like yo-yo's? Do you think it is some diabolical plan to drive all of the grounded, strong women insane? Do you think it is all some commie plot or all just part of some republican right-wing conspiracy?

A friend of a friend's friend.

Dear Friend Through Six Degrees of Freedom,
(Do you know Bob Dylan too?) I guess she should just enjoy the ride, if she's able. If it weren't fun, I suppose she wouldn't be playing this game, but please warn her that the boy she's dealing with is likely to slip through a crack in the sidewalk at any moment, he is so tiny.

But here's the weird thing. I don't think guys need to read a book on this behavior, I've seen it before, and it comes pretty naturally to them. As hard as it is to believe, I don't think they take some Dale Carnegie course on how to be an asshole. Here's how I know.

Courtney has a son, he is one of the great loves of her life. In this case, at the moment at least, it is totally mutual, which is highly unusual for Kortnee. I bring this up not to boast, but to let you know that if Cortney is biased, it's totally in his favor.

Well, anyway, this boy can received a wrapped pair of ski mittens in the mail. He held them, played with them, generally did what young boys do with a present that they're dying to open but can't. He even tore the wrapping paper a bit so you could actually see a tiny patch of ski mitten poking through. This went on for weeks. When he finally opened the package, he was sorely disappointed because he had thought it might be scuba gear. Not to put too fine a point on it, but imagine the size, shape, hardness of ski mittens for a little boy. Now picture the size, shape, hardness of a mask, snorkel, fins, regulator, and so on.

If some guy you were dating (or heaven forbid, married to) was this far out of touch with reality, you'd think he was making it up, intentionally acting clueless. But I'm absolutely positive that this son of mine, while surveying all the clues at hand, came up with . . . scuba gear.

Courtney's unfortunate conclusion is. . . well, you can get there on your own. I surely wouldn't want to insult anyone.

Courtnee

Hey coertie,

How can I tell if a girl likes me for my mind, or if she's just after me
because I'm emotionally simple and have tons of cash?

a friend

Dear Friend,

I'm sure she likes you for your mind. What else could it be?

Dear Courtney,
How can I tell if a guy likes me for my body, or if he's just after me because I have a huge mortgage, lovely kids, and a really fast car?

Signed,
Got a lot going on

Dear Got,
Umm, if he keeps bringing the topic back to interest rates and parenting strategies when things start to get intimate, well, there's your answer. Have you considered liposuction?

Cortney

Dearest Courtney,

Could I borrow $10?

A needy reader

Dear Needy,

Sure. Why not make it $1,000? Just send me your mother's maiden name for verification, and I'll get right on it.

Love,
Cort

Courtney,

Good tidings, with warm heart I offer my friendship and greetings. I hope this mail meets you in good time.

However strange or surprising this contact might seem to you as we have not met personally or had any dealings in the past, I humbly ask that you take due consideration of its importance and immense benefits. I duly apologize for infringing on your privacy if this proposal is not acceptable to you.

First and foremost, I wish to introduce myself properly to you. I am Mr. David Shaw, the son of the former Liberia finance minister (Mr. Emmanuel Shaw) under the past government of Charles Taylor. I presume you are aware of the political crisis in my country which affected my father's health.

At the end of Charles Taylor's regime,he was exiled to Nigeria where he currently resides. Majority of his officers including ministers like my father,are having their accounts frozen by the present government because they were uncomfortable with the past regime. We then jointly decided within the family to relocate the family funds outside Liberia for investment. I am contacting you because of a good friend of my father (Dr. Thomas Clark) who visited your country recently and told my family about you and your country. Following the above reasons, I have been subsequently advised by my father to come to Europe to invest his money. I am now in Dublin (republic of Ireland) where I am pursuing my political asylum and the response from the authorities responsible has been so far positive because of the situation which was widely reported in the media. So,I am soliciting for your co-operation and confidential assistance to take custody of Nine Million United States Dollars (US9.000.000).And also to front for me in areas of usiness which you desire profitable. Left alone, this would prove extremely difficult if not impossible because of the bureaucratic nature of the western world.

To show my preparedness and appreciation to conduct this business with you,I shall give you 5% of the total funds and 5% commission on any profit that we might realize in the process of investing the funds. Five percent% shall be set aside for any eventual cost that may occur in the process of this transaction.

Please, I need your entire support and co-operation for the success of this business venture,and also your utmost confidentiality. Be rest assured that this is absolutely safe with no risk involved. I do hope my proposal is acceptable to you.

You can reach me through this e-mail address: d_vidshaw99@lycos.com
Thank you in anticipation while looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Please for more information, go to:
http://allafrica.com/stories/200404080516.html

Best regards,
David Shaw

Dear David,
Your welcome in anticipation. I'm so glad that Dr. Thomas Clark told you about me and my country. Believe it or not, lots of people who don't even know Dr. Thomas Clark have heard of the USA, because we are a rather large and mighty country. You might have heard, perhaps, about how we've been torturing people in Iraq, or about how we don't really believe in global warming. But anyways, I guess what Dr. Thomas Clark didn't tell you is that this is an advice column. If the asylum thing doesn't work out (Courtney has experience with asylums, they aren't so bad), write back. I'm here to help.

Khortnee

Your Kindest Attention:Courtney

It is my pleasure to write this letter to you, though we have not met you or known you. I am Mr.Raymond Eke ,a Director of a Commercial Bank here in Nigeria.I am writing this letter fundamentally to solicit your passionate support and co-operation to carry out a
transaction.

We discovered an abandoned sum of US$15.3 Million (Fifteen Million, Three Hundred Thousand U.S. Dollars) in an account that belonged to one of our foreign customers that died in November 1999 in a motor accident. Since this development, we have made fervent
efforts, advertising for his next of kin or any close relation to come forward to claim this money, but till date nobody has come to apply for the money.

The Management of the Bank under the influence of the Chairman and Board of Directors are making arrangements for the fund to be declared "UNCLAIMED" and then be subsequently transferred to the Federal Government reserves.

In order to avert this (fund being declared unclaimed), myself and some of my trusted colleagues in the Bank now passionately wish to seek for your permission to have you stand as the Next of Kin so that the fund (US$15.3Million) would subsequently be transferred into your account as the deceased account holder’s next of kin. All documents and proofs to enable you get this money will be carefully worked out by us and I will perfect every documents and the necessary modus operandi to be in accordance with the banking laws and guidelines, hence you have nothing to worry about as the transaction is reasonable and totally risk free.

All we require from you is for you to open an official Bank Account here in Nigeria (through us) where the money will be deposited, before onward transfer to your designated account in your country.

We have agreed that 20% of the money will be for you and 80% for me and my two colleagues.

Please if you are going to help and partake in this transaction, indicate by replying this letter putting in your contact address, direct telephone and fax number.

I await your immediate reply to enable us start this transaction in earnest.

Upon your reply, further details about the transaction will be made available to you.

Regards,

Mr. Raymond Eke

N.B:Pls reply strictly to this email address:rayeke2006@yahoo.com

Dear Mr. Raymond Eke,

Did you need advice? Because that's what I DO. I don't do scams. But anyway, Courtnee is already so wealthy she doesn't know what to do with herself, so I guess I'll pass on the Nigerian Bank Account. Write again if you have trouble with your marriage or something, which I'm sure you do.

Kortnee